I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
