On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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