I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
