mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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