I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
