the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
