Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize