Who wears a wallet chain?!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
