i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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