i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
