No stitches, just platelets and will power
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
