please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
