the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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