'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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