I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
