i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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