just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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