dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
