I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
