So drunk its hurt
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
