Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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