I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
