seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
