You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
