My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize