It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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