The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
