Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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