big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
