just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Who died my cat blue again?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
