Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
