Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i dont even know how to be here
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Randomize