"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
