i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
