I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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