i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
