i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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