it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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