Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
