if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize