It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He did a backflip because drugs
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize