Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
