I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
