I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she peed on how many people?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Randomize
