Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
