pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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