I hate your face
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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