So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize