And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
