the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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