Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Randomize
