I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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