If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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