4 words: hood of his car
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
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