textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
